Systemic Anomalies

Shit

2006-04-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

You know, there's no good reason why "shit" is a bad word. I never understood what all the fuss was about. It means the exact same thing as "doodie," "poop," "turd," and the like. And everyone shits, even little kids. Why is "shit" a bad word?

Little Johnny: Mommy, what does "shit" mean?

Mommy: It's doodie.

It's not like "fuck" where a parent may not want to explain to their six year-old child that the word means (in most cases) sticking a penis inside a vagina or anus. Or eye socket, but that's like pretty advanced stuff.

Transformers: The Movie

2006-02-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

I can't find this on DVD anywhere for less than $44.00. Which sounds about right for a movie at this level of awesomeness.

Maybe I'll find a cheap copy at Comic-con tomorrow. That's going to be a surreal experience; I really have no idea what to expect. I just hope everyone likes my white mage costume!

OMG I Heart my iPod: Part II

2006-02-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

My iPod is currently fried and I have to make an appointment at Apple's "Genius Bar" in SoHo. Seriously, what the fuck? The only place to get your shit fixed in all of Manhattan is in SoHo? And then they have the gall to call it the "Genius Bar." How fucking smug of those cocksuckers. I bet every employee in there looks like the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy.

Anyway, now is as good a time as any to tell you a bit more about what songs I have on my iPod.

Hoes In This House - DJ Uncle Al

This is a pretty standard booty song in the mold of Splack Pack/69 Boys/95 South/Luke/Celine Dion. The bass hits real low and real hard and Uncle Al screams the entire time and I can understand about 30% of what he says. The only time I'd ever play this song would be at a party, and even then I'd be pretty hesitant. So why do I have this song? It's sort of...weird.

When I was a junior in high school, my English teacher looked just like the guy with the snow shovel who saves Kevin McAllister from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in Home Alone. My friends and I decided that the greatest thing in the world would be if one day, out of nowhere, he tossed aside everything on his desk, jumped up, and started performing this song. And the thing is, there were some hoes in the house (or at least the classroom). One girl got pregnant and it absolutely blew my mind. Not because a high schooler got preggers, but rather because our teacher didn't call her a hoe. I sure did. Behind her back. While at home. In my bedroom with the door locked. In sign language.

So that's why I like this song -- because it reminds me of teenage pregnancy and old white guys rapping about hoes. And what a pussy I was in high school.

You Dropped A Bomb On Me - The Gap Band

The synthesizer "firing up" at the beginning of the song sounds just like the Tripod that emerges from the ground in War of the Worlds. And yes, that's why this song is on my iPod.

All Night Long - Lionel Richie

Anyone who has seen the commercial for the new Mountain Dew energy drink knows how great this song is. I was at a bar last weekend when it came on and I poured a shot of tequila in my eye while ripping out a girl's esophagus with my teeth. Fiesta forever, indeed.

Flipside - Freeway

This song could probably have an entire post devoted to it. In fact, I think this song could have an entire blog dedicated to it. Besides the fact that it's a great song, it's featured in the best scene in the best movie of all time. I'm a little disgusted that you might not know what I'm referring to, so for the uninformed, here's a hint:

Served! Served! Served! SerVEDDDD!!!!11111ONEONEELEVEN1

Wade and Max (the bad/white guys) have challenged David and Elgin (the good/black guys) to a dance battle at Mr. Rad's warehouse. Both sides -- er, crews-- have put up $5,000 for the winner-take-all event. Just seconds before the battle begins, Sonny (who is a crucial member of David and Elgin's crew) arrives. However, to the shock of David and Elgin, Sonny joins Max and Wade. And believe you me -- Sonny is fucking NASTY on the dance floor. It becomes obvious that Sonny has instructed Wade and Max's crew on how to imitate and counter all of David and Elgin's crew's moves. Holy shit, that's a lot of posessives I just used.

David soon realizes that to have any chance of winning, his crew is going to have to scrap whatever scripted routines they've prepared and go straight to freestyling. He quickly gathers his crew and tells them to crip walk. And they crip walk real well, especially David. It's sick.

But David made a horrible mistake. You see, the crip walk is Sonny's bread and butter, his go-to move. David had to have known this, and he woke the sleeping giant. It was like he tried to strike out Albert Pujols with a fastball. I'm not sure what exactly happens, but I'm pretty sure that God himself enters Sonny's body. Sonny crip walks on the dance floor and pieces of the sky literally fall to the Earth. Time and space bend and twist around each other, forming a singularity and freezing everything as we once knew it. In other words, David got served.

I could go on and on about this movie, but I think there's a time and a place for that. One of these days, we'll explore the subtle social messages that Chris Stokes hints at in his masterpiece.

How To Survive In South Central - Ice Cube

This is actually a great song and a potentially helpful survival guide. Plus, I dig Ice Cube, even with his pre-sellout anti-Semetic lyrics. What I really love about this song, though, is when Cube is done rapping and some other dude exclaims:

Yeah, you bitches, you think I forgot about your ass? Trap-ass hoe!
You better watch out!

I love this -- as if a bunch of chicks were listening to this song and saw that there were only about 20 seconds left. They thought to themselves, "Wow, he's attacked a lot of people in this song, but he hasn't mentioned anything about us. Hmmm. Maybe he simply forg--oh, dammit. He just called me a trap-ass hoe. Fuck."

Of course, this doesn't even come close to...

Big Pimpin - Jay-Z

Yes, everyone loves this song, but am I the only one who recognizes the absurdity that is the second verse? I think the guy who raps the second verse is UGK, but I don't know for sure. It doesn't really matter.

He raps:

Nigga, it's the big southern rap impresario
Comin' straight up out the black barrio
Makes a mil up off a sorry hoe
Then sit back and peep my scen-awr-io
Oops my bad, that's my scenario

Oh my god. Where do I even start? Did UGK really think that maybe, just maybe, people thought that rap songs were recorded while the rappers freestyled? And that he was flowing and used the wrong pronunciation of "scenario?" And that he's so good at freestyling that he managed to apologize and correct himself in the very next line? I'd like to think so.

Of course, a few lines later, UGK raps, "Go read a book, you illiterate son of a bitch." That makes sense. Go give a speech, you mute son of a bitch. Go listen to a record, you deaf son of a bitch. In fairness to UGK, I didn't know what a "barrio" was before I had heard this song. I had to ask a friend.

It goes without saying that this is my favorite verse in the history of rap music, and it isn't particularly close.

Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne

Look how she spells the name of this song! She's such a bad ass! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

CTU Hiring Practices

2006-02-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

OK, whoever is in charge of hiring at CTU, I just have a couple of suggestions:

1. Try out a screening process with some teeth. In four and a quarter seasons of "24," there's already been four moles working at CTU.
a) Nina Myers - or is it Nina Meyers? I'm too lazy to look it up. She looked crazy hot in Season 3 when she grew her hair out, though.
b) Spenser Wolff - the guy in Season 5 who done threw Chloe a fuck. Nice effort by FOX here; Wolff was the guy who everyone thought couldn't be a mole because it was way too obvious. I guess not.
c) Marianne - one of the hottest black chicks ever. I bet Curtis used to defile her back in the day. I would have done the same, if you replaced "defile" with "gotten performance anxiety around." The opposite of premature ejaculation but with twice the embarassment.
d) That small Spanish girl who got stabbed in the neck with a broken coffee mug (not Tony's Cubs mug, don't worry) by Nina Myers/Meyers.

2. Put a question on the application that asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who is mentally unstable/a junkie/a Scientologist that could possibly show up while you're at work and become a ginormous distraction?" I feel like just adding this question to the application would save everyone a lot of trouble in the future.

Seriously, Marianne -- this never happens to me. Maybe it's the condoms. Yeah, that must be it. Wait, where are you going? You're not going to tell anyone about this, right? Motherfucker.

Office Challenge Update

2006-01-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

I actually got a good look at C today and realized that she can't weigh more than 110 pounds, and that's a pretty conservative estimate. Christ, would I rock her shit.

Office Challenge

2006-01-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Today at lunch, a couple of my co-workers, J and L, were discussing which women in our law firm are tough. Obviously, this isn't something we normally talk about (we usually talk about which guys are tough, and I usually bring it up), but apparently two women on the office staff had gotten into a fight in the women's restroom. J and L threw names back and forth and eventually decided that C was the toughest bitch in our firm.

But that wasn't enough. J was going on and on about how ghetto and dangerous C could be. It became more than I could take. I told J and L that I was sure I could absolutely beat the living shit out of C; that I could literally beat the shit out of her. And yes, I know what "literally" means. I know that I could pound her face until excrement cascaded out of her bowels.

L just smiled, but J actually disagreed with me. She really thought that C would give me a fight. J acknowledged that I'd win, but she didn't think it would be so easy. This infuriated me. I mean, I'm 5'10 and 177 pounds with 11% body fat. I fucking pwn shit, ok? And C is, well, about 5'1. She's a bit heavy, but she can't weigh more than 140 pounds. And there was one other thing...hmmmm...what was it? Oh yeah. She's a fucking GIRL.

This fight -- if you could even call it a fight -- would be over in a matter of seconds. I'd punch her so hard in the face that it would shatter her orbital bone. When she was on the ground, I'd blast her a few more times just to make a point. Now mind you, I have nothing against C. I actually like her. But I also have to make an example of her and prove a point -- namely, if you are a woman and you step to me, you will get your shit ruined. I guarantee it.

Instead of a random cartoon fist, this will be my fist, and instead of paper getting punched through, it will be the bones of C's delicate face.

When we got back to the office, I immediately sat at my computer and typed up an internal memorandum addressed to not only the women of the firm, but the men and the hermaphrodite in the mailroom as well. It read:

To the women employees of this firm-

I hereby challenge any woman (especially C) to a no-holds barred fight on the firm's premises. Any holds, chokes, strikes, and other forms of attack are legal. The only
rules are that the fight must be one-on-one and no weapons are allowed. I will take this time to tell you that my fists ARE allowed, so don't try and get cute later on and say that I can't use my fists just because I had to register them as weapons after I beat the crap out of that Allosaurus that got loose in the insolvency department.

In addition to this open challenge, I hereby state my guarantee that I will knock any challenger unconscious within one minute. That's right - within one minute of the opening bell, my opponent will be completely unconscious. This I swear.

I am looking forward to any and all of you that accept my challenge.

I made a bunch of copies and asked my secretary to distribute them to everyone in the firm. Then, I pricked my finger with a needle and signed a copy in blood. Just like Brendan Frasier posted his challenge to fight whoever made that totally sweet nazi sign over his bed in School Ties, I marched straight into the women's restroom and taped my challenge onto the wall.

WHOEVER MADE THE SIGN MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS AT MIDNIGHT

I haven't heard any responses yet, but apparently the partners are having a meeting tomorrow. J and L said it's probably to discuss firing me, but I bet anything it's about who gets front row seats when I bludgeon a woman.

Which side are you on?

2006-01-02T21:11:00.000-08:00

I love Granny Smith apples. They're so much better than Red Apples. And yeah, I know that Red Apples are really called "Red Delicious," but I think that's a bit much for a piece of fruit that isn't all that delicious. I mean, don't get me wrong -- they're pretty tasty. I just think that calling them "Red Delicious" is like calling Melissa Joan Hart "Melissa Joan Gorgeous."

I once told a friend that if Granny Smith apples went to war with Red Apples, I'd have to fight on the side of Granny Smith apples. What a hasty mistake! Certainly, I could devour my enemy on the field of battle, and what better enemy to devour than a juicy Granny Smith apple?! But then a wrench done got throwed into my whole plan. Enter the Fuji Apple:

Look at that fucking thing. Have you ever tasted one? Fucking amazing, huh?

If Red Apples are Melissa Joan Hart and Granny Smith apples are Monica Bellucci, then Fuji Apples are Jessica Alba holding a fistful of hundreds and swimming in a pool of Spider-Man comic books.

So how does my strategy change now that the Fuji Apples have entered into this fruity war? It's tough to say. I mean, you want to eat them, but you have to be careful that you don't eat all of them. Also, you want to make sure you don't diminish their numbers to the point where the Granny Smiths or Red [Sort Of] Deliciouses can easily finish them off.

I think I'd make an agreement with the Fuji Apple king. I'd tell him that I'd fight on the side of the Fuji Apples and destroy any Granny Smiths or Reds that I came across. And like, I'm a human and they're all apples, so it's pretty safe to assume that I'd be able to fucking murder the shit out of all of them. That's important to remember.

As a reward for my services, the Fujis would have to sacrifice one of their own to me every day for the rest of my life. I think that's a fair deal. I'd have to worry about eating a potentially poisoned Fuji, though, since they'd probably get tired of this whole sacrificing bullshit after a few weeks.

Shit. I told you the Fuji Apples threw a wrench into this damn war.

Nemesis Enforcer

2006-01-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

Sgt. Slaughter's nuts are about to tango with Nemesis Enforcer's foot. THAT'S how you get a blog address named in your honor.

One for the money, two for the...money???

2006-01-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

I thought it was "One for the money, two for the show."

That's probably why this movie bombed, not because it had very little sports gambling scenes. That can't be it.

Actually, I don't even know how this movie did at the box office, but it's a lot easier to say it bombed than to look up how much it made. Hoo-ah!

Fuck Yeah!

2005-12-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

I got some good news today as I was informed that my home computer has been fixed. Needless to say, I'm hella excited and my posts should be coming more frequently. Of course, my excitement doesn't really stem from blogging more, but rather from the fact that I can jack off to interracial porn before I go to sleep each night.

Pictures

2005-12-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

Apparently it's super easy to post pics on a blog. I have no idea why I never knew that before. Anyway, yeah, this means that I'll be updating more.

The Transporter 2

2005-09-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

If I wasn't laughing so hard throughout this movie, I would have been insulted. The Transporter 2 was so preposterous that it made xXx look like an Oscar-winning documentary. And look, I can suspend disbelief and enjoy a film for pure entertainment value, but in this instance that was like asking someone on a diet to starve themselves for a year.

I can't really put my finger on which scene was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Perhaps it was when our protagonist, Frank, discovered a bomb on the bottom of his car. Instead of diving out of the car while it was still in motion (which I totally could have handled), Frank drives the car up a ramp so that the car flips upside-down and a nearby crane knocks the bomb cleanly off the bottom of Frank's car before a dramatic explosion. I think I actually said out loud, "OK, movie, you win. Do whatever you want from now on and I won't ask any questions."

Then there was the issue of the uber-contagious virus. Frank becomes infected with the virus (surprise), which you can pretty much get if someone infected even thinks of you, and then proceeds to speak on a pay phone. Way to be careful, Frank. Never mind that the antidote is in a vial the size of a grapefruit and yet there's enough to cure hundreds of people. Actually, there's not, but I guess the writers cut that out of the script to make room for another useless explosion.

To me, the funniest part of the movie was the climatic final fight aboard a private jet. Being the good soul that he is, Frank makes it through the movie killing no one (except that blonde chick in the previews, but believe me, she was asking for it). Rotten henchmen attack Frank from every direction and yet he fails to kill any of them, opting to knock them unconscious with a fire hose or something. I don't know. Anyway, after sparing the lives of dozens of attackers, Frank breaks a pilot's neck without hesitation -- the one guy in the movie who has a legit job and is just trying to make ends meet to feed his family. I was pretty upset about that, but I quickly moved on when the jet crashed nose-first into the ocean and Frank avoided the impact by JUMPING TOWARD THE BACK OF THE PLANE UPON IMPACT. That works in real life, right?

To add insult to injury, the first words of the credits read, "Dedicated to the memory of Michael Stone." Good job, Director. You've managed to simultaneously make the most ridiculous movie of all time (and this says a lot coming from a guy who liked Aliens vs. Predator) and redefine the term "spinning in his grave."

Overall, I enjoyed the movie.

OMG I Heart my ipod LOL!!!!!11

2005-07-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

Like the rest of the world, I have an ipod. I know, big deal. But my ipod isn't like all the rest -- you can listen to Dave Matthews and The Game and whatever else is popular or whatever gets you all fired up for the gym where you'll bench half as much as me and look twice as shitty. Nope, my ipod kicks massive amounts of ass. I heart it. Here's just a small sampling of the songs included on a playlist that could make Christopher Reeve dance...

Peaches N Cream - 112
Remember that song "Pony" by Ginuwine where the beat was a guy saying "Yeah" really deep over and over again but it sounded like a guy burping? Yeah, you do. Anyway, for a long time, I thought that was the coolest beat ever. "Peaches N Cream" was released, however, and just took a steaming shit all over that beat. The fucking beat sounds like a guy farting repeatedly. All different types of farts, too -- loud, dry trombone farts and juicy farts that will surely leave a brown stain. "Drop it Like it's Hot" came out not too long ago and it was pretty apparent that The Neptunes were trying to capitalize on how great a sample can be when it's a natural sound produced by the body. Sorry, Pharell, but tongue-clicking doesn't hold a candle to farting. What an imbecil.

Oh yeah, I should note that this song is about eating pussy, but I try to block out the lyrics. I probably should have just downloaded the instrumental.

Take a Chance on Me - ABBA

Absolutely impossible to sit still while listening to this song. You would think hostage negotiators or maybe even the military would use this phenomenom to their advantage, but I guess the risk of the song falling into the wrong hands is too great. Also, ABBA is not only a bad ass Swedish band, it's also the code for infinite lives in Ikari Warriors. Which doesn't always help, though, because a lot of times you'll get stuck behind a fucking pipe in Level 3 and when you enter the code, you reappear right behind the same pipe.

Love Shack - B52s

Wow. There's a lot of shit going on with this song. Let's start with the lead singer's voice. It is, without question, the gayest voice ever. If another guy sang this song with his cheeks filled with sperm, one dick in each hand, and a foot long in his ass, his voice might be one-tenth as gay as the lead singer's voice. But I doubt it.

It has always been my fantasy to perform this song live with my two sisters singing backup. I'm a bit uncomfortable writing about my sisters just one paragraph after mentioning sperm-filled cheeks. But also aroused. Just kidding. Sort of.

The best part of "Love Shack" is NOT when the lady yells "Tiiiiin roof, rusted!" Rather, it's when someone in the background screams gleefully immediately after those legendary words are bellowed from the lady's whorish mouth. "Tin roof, rusted" is a euphomism for getting pregnant. That's just wonderful -- a woman reveals she is pregnant (and we can all assume it wasn't planned, what with all the debauchery going down in this song) and it's just a minor inconvenience. Hey, that's what happens at the Love Shack, and it's not gonna stop the party, goddammit.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun - Cyndi Lauper

LOL!!!111 OMG this is like sooo my anthem!!!1 :P

Mmmbop - Hanson

I can't take how catchy this song is. I don't give a shit that people don't take this song seriously. They're idiots. These three kids have some fucking talent. All my sisters and I did when we were their age was make haunted houses in our rooms when it wasn't even Halloween, and every haunted house would involve one of us putting a basketball under our shirts in an attempt to portray an obese woman who worked at our elementary school. But that sort of beats playing the bass, I guess.

Like everyone else, I wasn't sure if Taylor Hanson was a guy or girl when I first watched the video for Mmmbop. That didn't stop me from wanting to fuck him, though. Shit, long blond hair is long blond hair.

Techno Syndrome (Mortal Kombat) - KMFDM

Look, I like Rage Against the Machine and AC/DC to get fired up as much as the next guy, but "Techno Syndrome" sends me into an absolute frenzy. I'd love to hear this song at a club while high on sextacy (which is extacy plus viagara, because just plain old E is for pussies) and dancing with a green-haired sweaty chick with eyebrow and tongue piercings while she sucks on her lollipop and clutches a bottle of water. All of a sudden, right about the time the guy in the song yells "Mortal Kombat!!!!!" I get jumped by crazed ravers and throw a Scorpion spear into one of their chests. Everyone hears me roar "Get over here!" even though the music is at a way higher volume than is safe. Then I rip my face off and breath fire on the raver while the rest back off and my green-haired vixen holds up a "Fatality" sign covered in glitter and those little star stickers you got on your tests in elementary school when you did well. This song rules.

Girl on TV - LFO

Now would be a good time to let you know that I'm really not joking about having these songs on my ipod.

Hey Juliet - LMNT

I usually need a cigarette after hearing this song. It's completely sythesized and altered and fabricated and marketed and I highly doubt that an actual human voice can be heard at any point in the song. Yes, this is the quintessential pop song.

And look at the name of the "band" -- LMNT. No, stupid, not "El Em En Tee." Say it fast; say it together as if it's a word. That's right! Element! Fucking GENIUS.

So, to be honest, this song changed my life. For so long I was hung up on the talent and skill of musicians and shunned the entire genre of pop music. But thankfully, Radio Disney produced "Hey Juliet," a song better than 99.9% of all songs ever created in any galaxy in this universe, and I realized that talent isn't necessary to make good music. Scratch that -- great music. What's even better, you can dance to this song, lift weights to this song, make love to this song, dump a body in the Hudson to this song, and have your first dance with your bride or groom to this song. If I could only hear one song again for the rest of my life, it would be "Hey Juliet." I believe with all my heart that God has selected LMNT as the medium through which he communicates to us all. Alright, I'm getting a bit carried away -- but I do love this effin song.

The First Cut is the Deepest - Sheryl Crow

I was listening to this song the first time I ever squatted over 300 lbs.

Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!

I think this is probably the gayest song on my ipod and, as you can see from the previous songs I've written about, that's saying a lot. I was at a bar one night when this song came on and I told the girl I was dancing with that it would make my night if the DJ had to take a break and left the song on loop while he was away. She laughed, but I was being completely serious. And before you call bullshit, I was pretty sure that the DJ didn't have "Hey Juliet," so any "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" loop wouldn't come at the expense of missing the voice of God.

That's all I feel like doing for now. Maybe in the future I'll cover some more songs.

Letter of Recommendation

2005-05-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

I think the next time I'm really good in bed, I'm going to ask the girl to write me a letter of recommendation. Surely, showing this letter to another girl would make her decision to sleep with me much easier.

Immaturity

2005-05-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

When I'm bored at work, which is predictably about 90% of the time, I like to go onto the g4 forums and post on the bulliten boards with the intention of pissing people off. g4 is some nerd/tech channel, and the "popular" video game show "X-Play" is shown on g4. I think that's how it works.

Anyway, as you might have guessed, the kids who post on the g4 forums are gigantic nerds. I know I've got a lot of nerve calling someone else a nerd, but I feel pretty confident that I can get away with it in this case.

Morgan Webb is the semi-attractive hostess of X-Play, but all the nerds worship her as if she were a goddess. It's very similar to the Jennifer Garner-Alias phenomenon. I started a new thread the other day on the forum, and it was removed in about three minutes:

Theory on Morgan Webb

Now this is merely speculation, but I'd be willing to bet that Morgan Webb is a huge gusher upon climax. I'm not talking about a bit of juice here and there; nay, I can damn near guarantee that there's a torrential downpour just cascading out of her swollen crevice when she reaches orgasm. The sheets must be absolutely soaked.

What do you guys think?

Nerds have no fucking sense of humor. And I have no life.

Marlins Win, Mets Lose

2005-04-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is the best possible combination of team activity during baseball season. The Fish won in the bounce-house joke that is Coors Field, thanks in part to a home run by Juan Pierre, his first in 729 at bats. Pedro Martinez of the Mets got hit hard early by the Braves to take the loss for the Mets. Good.

A Marlins win coupled with a Mets loss is just a notch above punching an elderly person in the face and just a notch below receiving fellatio from an eighteen year old. Boy or girl, doesn't matter.

Kung Fu Hustle

2005-04-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

This is one of the most original, clever, and just balls out retardedly awesome movies I have ever seen. It's like a combination of The Matrix, Crouching Tiger, and The Naked Gun.

This is the type of movie where if you bring your girlfriend to see it and she doesn't like it, you break up with her without any hesitation.

Haircut

2005-04-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

During my lunch break today, I went to get my hair cut. I go to this place about a block away from my office that a friend of mine from work told me about. It's unlike any other hair salon I've ever seen.

Every "stylist" is a girl in her late 20's to early 30's with fake tits, and they all have names like "Faith" or "Bambi." A host offers beverages, including beer, to customers while they wait. The pre-haircut shampoo includes a sensual scalp massage. While you're getting your haircut, you can opt to have a manicure or just a hand massage from a busty chick with a tongue piercing. This place would be completely justified in establishing a two drink minimum as well as a cover charge for entry.

The girl who cut my hair today told me that on more than one occassion, they have had to ask men to leave for inappropriate behavior. She told me that all was forgiven and eventually the men would return. Maybe it's just me, but if I was asked to leave WHERE I GET MY HAIR CUT for "inappropriate behavior," I'd probably just cut my losses and find a new place. Unless it was one of those places where the stylists use only electric clippers and completely ignore scissors. No thank you.

As I was leaving, a partner from my office was just arriving. It was like bumping into one of your dad's friends at a strip club.

A Good Piece of Hitting

2005-04-20T20:05:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Cubs/Cardinals game on ESPN2 tonight, and Derek Lee hit a low and outside pitch the opposite way into right field for a single. The announcer commented that this was "a good piece of hitting."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I have heard announcers use this phrase for years and it makes no sense. A good piece of hitting? Really? And what piece was that? Stupid. It's a hit, not a piece of one.

I think the next time an announcer uses that phrase, he should be punched in the mouth. Whoever punches him is required to ask the announcer if that was a good piece of punching.

I don't like either of the teams playing tonight, but baseball is baseball.

This Here Blog

2005-04-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm going to post about whatever I feel like on this blog. I'm guessing most of the topics will have something to do with sports, science, movies, and nerd stuff that people care about but won't admit that they do. You assholes know who you are.

I named my blog "Systemic Anomalies" after the Architect scene in Matrix: Reloaded. It's definitely one of the best movies ever made, right below From Dusk Till Dawn and right above Little Shop of Horrors. Eat shit, OK?

The "Nemesis Enforcer" web address is in honor of (duh) Nemesis Enforcer. The dude is like eight feet tall and can block lasers with his wings. I called bullshit when Sgt. Slaughter beat him up in the G.I. Joe movie when it first came out, and I stand by that call. It's one of the greatest shams in the history of human civilization, right on par with Larry Johnson's four-point play against the Pacers in the playoffs at Madison Square Garden.

Now I'm annoyed. Great.