Shit

You know, there's no good reason why "shit" is a bad word. I never understood what all the fuss was about. It means the exact same thing as "doodie," "poop," "turd," and the like. And everyone shits, even little kids. Why is "shit" a bad word?

Little Johnny: Mommy, what does "shit" mean?

Mommy: It's doodie.

It's not like "fuck" where a parent may not want to explain to their six year-old child that the word means (in most cases) sticking a penis inside a vagina or anus. Or eye socket, but that's like pretty advanced stuff.

Transformers: The Movie

I can't find this on DVD anywhere for less than $44.00. Which sounds about right for a movie at this level of awesomeness.

Maybe I'll find a cheap copy at Comic-con tomorrow. That's going to be a surreal experience; I really have no idea what to expect. I just hope everyone likes my white mage costume!

OMG I Heart my iPod: Part II

My iPod is currently fried and I have to make an appointment at Apple's "Genius Bar" in SoHo. Seriously, what the fuck? The only place to get your shit fixed in all of Manhattan is in SoHo? And then they have the gall to call it the "Genius Bar." How fucking smug of those cocksuckers. I bet every employee in there looks like the Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy.

Anyway, now is as good a time as any to tell you a bit more about what songs I have on my iPod.

Hoes In This House - DJ Uncle Al

This is a pretty standard booty song in the mold of Splack Pack/69 Boys/95 South/Luke/Celine Dion. The bass hits real low and real hard and Uncle Al screams the entire time and I can understand about 30% of what he says. The only time I'd ever play this song would be at a party, and even then I'd be pretty hesitant. So why do I have this song? It's sort of...weird.

When I was a junior in high school, my English teacher looked just like the guy with the snow shovel who saves Kevin McAllister from Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in Home Alone. My friends and I decided that the greatest thing in the world would be if one day, out of nowhere, he tossed aside everything on his desk, jumped up, and started performing this song. And the thing is, there were some hoes in the house (or at least the classroom). One girl got pregnant and it absolutely blew my mind. Not because a high schooler got preggers, but rather because our teacher didn't call her a hoe. I sure did. Behind her back. While at home. In my bedroom with the door locked. In sign language.

So that's why I like this song -- because it reminds me of teenage pregnancy and old white guys rapping about hoes. And what a pussy I was in high school.

You Dropped A Bomb On Me - The Gap Band

The synthesizer "firing up" at the beginning of the song sounds just like the Tripod that emerges from the ground in War of the Worlds. And yes, that's why this song is on my iPod.

All Night Long - Lionel Richie

Anyone who has seen the commercial for the new Mountain Dew energy drink knows how great this song is. I was at a bar last weekend when it came on and I poured a shot of tequila in my eye while ripping out a girl's esophagus with my teeth. Fiesta forever, indeed.

Flipside - Freeway

This song could probably have an entire post devoted to it. In fact, I think this song could have an entire blog dedicated to it. Besides the fact that it's a great song, it's featured in the best scene in the best movie of all time. I'm a little disgusted that you might not know what I'm referring to, so for the uninformed, here's a hint:

Served! Served! Served! SerVEDDDD!!!!11111ONEONEELEVEN1

Wade and Max (the bad/white guys) have challenged David and Elgin (the good/black guys) to a dance battle at Mr. Rad's warehouse. Both sides -- er, crews-- have put up $5,000 for the winner-take-all event. Just seconds before the battle begins, Sonny (who is a crucial member of David and Elgin's crew) arrives. However, to the shock of David and Elgin, Sonny joins Max and Wade. And believe you me -- Sonny is fucking NASTY on the dance floor. It becomes obvious that Sonny has instructed Wade and Max's crew on how to imitate and counter all of David and Elgin's crew's moves. Holy shit, that's a lot of posessives I just used.

David soon realizes that to have any chance of winning, his crew is going to have to scrap whatever scripted routines they've prepared and go straight to freestyling. He quickly gathers his crew and tells them to crip walk. And they crip walk real well, especially David. It's sick.

But David made a horrible mistake. You see, the crip walk is Sonny's bread and butter, his go-to move. David had to have known this, and he woke the sleeping giant. It was like he tried to strike out Albert Pujols with a fastball. I'm not sure what exactly happens, but I'm pretty sure that God himself enters Sonny's body. Sonny crip walks on the dance floor and pieces of the sky literally fall to the Earth. Time and space bend and twist around each other, forming a singularity and freezing everything as we once knew it. In other words, David got served.

I could go on and on about this movie, but I think there's a time and a place for that. One of these days, we'll explore the subtle social messages that Chris Stokes hints at in his masterpiece.

How To Survive In South Central - Ice Cube

This is actually a great song and a potentially helpful survival guide. Plus, I dig Ice Cube, even with his pre-sellout anti-Semetic lyrics. What I really love about this song, though, is when Cube is done rapping and some other dude exclaims:

Yeah, you bitches, you think I forgot about your ass? Trap-ass hoe!
You better watch out!

I love this -- as if a bunch of chicks were listening to this song and saw that there were only about 20 seconds left. They thought to themselves, "Wow, he's attacked a lot of people in this song, but he hasn't mentioned anything about us. Hmmm. Maybe he simply forg--oh, dammit. He just called me a trap-ass hoe. Fuck."

Of course, this doesn't even come close to...

Big Pimpin - Jay-Z

Yes, everyone loves this song, but am I the only one who recognizes the absurdity that is the second verse? I think the guy who raps the second verse is UGK, but I don't know for sure. It doesn't really matter.

He raps:

Nigga, it's the big southern rap impresario
Comin' straight up out the black barrio
Makes a mil up off a sorry hoe
Then sit back and peep my scen-awr-io
Oops my bad, that's my scenario

Oh my god. Where do I even start? Did UGK really think that maybe, just maybe, people thought that rap songs were recorded while the rappers freestyled? And that he was flowing and used the wrong pronunciation of "scenario?" And that he's so good at freestyling that he managed to apologize and correct himself in the very next line? I'd like to think so.

Of course, a few lines later, UGK raps, "Go read a book, you illiterate son of a bitch." That makes sense. Go give a speech, you mute son of a bitch. Go listen to a record, you deaf son of a bitch. In fairness to UGK, I didn't know what a "barrio" was before I had heard this song. I had to ask a friend.

It goes without saying that this is my favorite verse in the history of rap music, and it isn't particularly close.

Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne

Look how she spells the name of this song! She's such a bad ass! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

CTU Hiring Practices

OK, whoever is in charge of hiring at CTU, I just have a couple of suggestions:

1. Try out a screening process with some teeth. In four and a quarter seasons of "24," there's already been four moles working at CTU.
a) Nina Myers - or is it Nina Meyers? I'm too lazy to look it up. She looked crazy hot in Season 3 when she grew her hair out, though.
b) Spenser Wolff - the guy in Season 5 who done threw Chloe a fuck. Nice effort by FOX here; Wolff was the guy who everyone thought couldn't be a mole because it was way too obvious. I guess not.
c) Marianne - one of the hottest black chicks ever. I bet Curtis used to defile her back in the day. I would have done the same, if you replaced "defile" with "gotten performance anxiety around." The opposite of premature ejaculation but with twice the embarassment.
d) That small Spanish girl who got stabbed in the neck with a broken coffee mug (not Tony's Cubs mug, don't worry) by Nina Myers/Meyers.


2. Put a question on the application that asks, "Do you have anyone in your family who is mentally unstable/a junkie/a Scientologist that could possibly show up while you're at work and become a ginormous distraction?" I feel like just adding this question to the application would save everyone a lot of trouble in the future.

Seriously, Marianne -- this never happens to me. Maybe it's the condoms. Yeah, that must be it. Wait, where are you going? You're not going to tell anyone about this, right? Motherfucker.

Office Challenge Update

I actually got a good look at C today and realized that she can't weigh more than 110 pounds, and that's a pretty conservative estimate. Christ, would I rock her shit.

Office Challenge

Today at lunch, a couple of my co-workers, J and L, were discussing which women in our law firm are tough. Obviously, this isn't something we normally talk about (we usually talk about which guys are tough, and I usually bring it up), but apparently two women on the office staff had gotten into a fight in the women's restroom. J and L threw names back and forth and eventually decided that C was the toughest bitch in our firm.

But that wasn't enough. J was going on and on about how ghetto and dangerous C could be. It became more than I could take. I told J and L that I was sure I could absolutely beat the living shit out of C; that I could literally beat the shit out of her. And yes, I know what "literally" means. I know that I could pound her face until excrement cascaded out of her bowels.

L just smiled, but J actually disagreed with me. She really thought that C would give me a fight. J acknowledged that I'd win, but she didn't think it would be so easy. This infuriated me. I mean, I'm 5'10 and 177 pounds with 11% body fat. I fucking pwn shit, ok? And C is, well, about 5'1. She's a bit heavy, but she can't weigh more than 140 pounds. And there was one other thing...hmmmm...what was it? Oh yeah. She's a fucking GIRL.

This fight -- if you could even call it a fight -- would be over in a matter of seconds. I'd punch her so hard in the face that it would shatter her orbital bone. When she was on the ground, I'd blast her a few more times just to make a point. Now mind you, I have nothing against C. I actually like her. But I also have to make an example of her and prove a point -- namely, if you are a woman and you step to me, you will get your shit ruined. I guarantee it.

Instead of a random cartoon fist, this will be my fist, and instead of paper getting punched through, it will be the bones of C's delicate face.


When we got back to the office, I immediately sat at my computer and typed up an internal memorandum addressed to not only the women of the firm, but the men and the hermaphrodite in the mailroom as well. It read:

To the women employees of this firm-

I hereby challenge any woman (especially C) to a no-holds barred fight on the firm's premises. Any holds, chokes, strikes, and other forms of attack are legal. The only
rules are that the fight must be one-on-one and no weapons are allowed. I will take this time to tell you that my fists ARE allowed, so don't try and get cute later on and say that I can't use my fists just because I had to register them as weapons after I beat the crap out of that Allosaurus that got loose in the insolvency department.

In addition to this open challenge, I hereby state my guarantee that I will knock any challenger unconscious within one minute. That's right - within one minute of the opening bell, my opponent will be completely unconscious. This I swear.

I am looking forward to any and all of you that accept my challenge.

I made a bunch of copies and asked my secretary to distribute them to everyone in the firm. Then, I pricked my finger with a needle and signed a copy in blood. Just like Brendan Frasier posted his challenge to fight whoever made that totally sweet nazi sign over his bed in School Ties, I marched straight into the women's restroom and taped my challenge onto the wall.

WHOEVER MADE THE SIGN MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS AT MIDNIGHT

I haven't heard any responses yet, but apparently the partners are having a meeting tomorrow. J and L said it's probably to discuss firing me, but I bet anything it's about who gets front row seats when I bludgeon a woman.

Which side are you on?

I love Granny Smith apples. They're so much better than Red Apples. And yeah, I know that Red Apples are really called "Red Delicious," but I think that's a bit much for a piece of fruit that isn't all that delicious. I mean, don't get me wrong -- they're pretty tasty. I just think that calling them "Red Delicious" is like calling Melissa Joan Hart "Melissa Joan Gorgeous."

I once told a friend that if Granny Smith apples went to war with Red Apples, I'd have to fight on the side of Granny Smith apples. What a hasty mistake! Certainly, I could devour my enemy on the field of battle, and what better enemy to devour than a juicy Granny Smith apple?! But then a wrench done got throwed into my whole plan. Enter the Fuji Apple:


Look at that fucking thing. Have you ever tasted one? Fucking amazing, huh?

If Red Apples are Melissa Joan Hart and Granny Smith apples are Monica Bellucci, then Fuji Apples are Jessica Alba holding a fistful of hundreds and swimming in a pool of Spider-Man comic books.

So how does my strategy change now that the Fuji Apples have entered into this fruity war? It's tough to say. I mean, you want to eat them, but you have to be careful that you don't eat all of them. Also, you want to make sure you don't diminish their numbers to the point where the Granny Smiths or Red [Sort Of] Deliciouses can easily finish them off.

I think I'd make an agreement with the Fuji Apple king. I'd tell him that I'd fight on the side of the Fuji Apples and destroy any Granny Smiths or Reds that I came across. And like, I'm a human and they're all apples, so it's pretty safe to assume that I'd be able to fucking murder the shit out of all of them. That's important to remember.

As a reward for my services, the Fujis would have to sacrifice one of their own to me every day for the rest of my life. I think that's a fair deal. I'd have to worry about eating a potentially poisoned Fuji, though, since they'd probably get tired of this whole sacrificing bullshit after a few weeks.

Shit. I told you the Fuji Apples threw a wrench into this damn war.

Nemesis Enforcer

Sgt. Slaughter's nuts are about to tango with Nemesis Enforcer's foot. THAT'S how you get a blog address named in your honor.

One for the money, two for the...money???

I thought it was "One for the money, two for the show."

That's probably why this movie bombed, not because it had very little sports gambling scenes. That can't be it.

Actually, I don't even know how this movie did at the box office, but it's a lot easier to say it bombed than to look up how much it made. Hoo-ah!